| bitching session |
[Sep. 14th, 2004|05:44 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  confused | ] |
| [ | music |
| | idk what it is but its good... | ] |
what can i say today that i havent already said? everydays the same. i go to school and see everybody and come home then do my usual stuff. sleep for half an hour, get up, see michaela, go home, someone calls me, then i do my homework, then someone calls again, then i go to bed. right now i dont have much to bitch about but what can i say.. things are getting serious with jason and i feel worthless. i love him, not the way i did with jared yet but i do love him and i cant help feeling the way i do. at lunch when i sit with him and in keyboarding i just sit there staring at him, trying not to cry. he always asks whats wrong and i havent told him because it will just ruin everything. but i just feel worthless and ignored when im around him. when we say goodbye and he hugs me, i close my eyes and i hate when he lets go and its always cut short. it hurts to watch him walk away at the end of the night and it hurts to pass him in the halls when i cant stay with him. when i go up with michaela to his games and i cant hang with him i feel sad too, like he doesnt want to see me. even when its just us two together, alone by ourselves, it doesnt matter. the more i start to feel for him, the more it hurts, i feel like i love him and he doesnt love me... even though he says it all the time and cried a couple times.. hes lied to me and its hard to trust him, SO hard. when i think about those things, i feel used i guess. idk if thats the right word, but a while ago when he cheated, why didnt he just dump me? i would rather have been dumped than used.
i love looking in his eyes, there so pretty. i wish i didnt have such a bad image on myself, im not happy with the way i look, sound, act, talk, anything. he says he loves all those things, and then i feel weird. i dont like it... but i do. i dont understand how he can like the things i HATE about myself.
i dont like when people get mad at me for calling myself ugly. its how i truly feel and im sorry i cant help it. i know must of them agree but im their friend so they wont say it... i wish i felt better lately, i just wish things would be good when it came to me, and when it came to me and jason.
otherwise i suppose everything else is fine, besides the fact that krista is having sex with taylor without protection. i cried when i found that out... krista is TOO smart and TOO pretty to screw up her life...
what else can i say.... |
|
|
| angry! |
[Aug. 26th, 2004|04:13 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  angry | ] |
i really am sick of all this coincidental shit. krista suggested that i dye streaks of my hair orange and red... which i did... and then today maris' friends come up to me and tell me that maris has the SAME FUCKING HAIR. i havent seen her since like late july, not even at school... i dont exactly remember when it was. but now the fact that we have the same hair, and purse, pisses me off. im not going through the purse story one more time, or the fact that my hair wasnt supposed to be black. krista said she would talk to maris about it and caroline wants to kick her ass. well i think that if maris wants to bitch at me she should do it herself. she goes on about how shes all tough shit when she gets her friends to come up to me instead of herself.
im sick of her friends assuming that i want to be like her. first of all.. she goes around doing shit with 21 year olds who have kids. next she puts herself out there till jason cheats on me. jeeze. i feel like having the biggest fucking sigh right now ever, then punching a tree. lol mel. im not gonna take the color out of my hair just because she has it... i like my hair...
well its really not worth my time to go up to her and try to convince her that im NOT copying her... i dont really want to talk to her. at all. gah it would suck.
anyways on a lighter note, my computer is completely restored and now operates at lightning speed. woot. well im gonna go chill with michaela. byebye
*emily |
|
|
| humm de- dumm dumm |
[Aug. 25th, 2004|03:55 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  chipper | ] |
| [ | music |
| | idk | ] |
well yesterday i started highschool. its pretty gay. the halls are so fuckin ghetto packed. lol yesterday i was riding my bike with lala and my hoodie sleeve got caught in the front wheel.. well, i did a full-on flip over the handle bars then landed on my back. it hurt like a bitch but i was laughing my ass off. face to face concert tomorrow night, woot. me, lala, and jason are going. krista and michaela were supposed to go to but nooo. oh well. maybe scott should go. idk.
well i dont really know what else to say. i never did any of my summer reading. gah. i have to get around to that... lol. tonight im putting orange/red streaks in my hair, woosha. i luv my cousin! she always does muh hair. oh yea, and on monday i got a few inches cut off. i miss my hair but i like the cut. well im gonna go chill. byebye....
xemily |
|
|
| la la la. |
[Aug. 18th, 2004|05:41 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | ditched | ] |
| [ | music |
| | blah! | ] |
im at michaelas. her and lauren are outside, laurens on her cell talking to drew. and im sitting here alone because michaela just decided to leave me in here.. whatever. im getting my haircut soon. im taking off about an inch or two. 6 days till school starts. FUCK. 8 days till the face to face concert. WOOT. i went by my school today with lauren to look around and we got SO lost, lol. ack it was gay. well i have nothing to talk about... so... im just gonna go. bye!
ta-ta
emily |
|
|
| gaaarg. |
[Aug. 14th, 2004|07:53 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  blah | ] |
| [ | music |
| | w000t | ] |
sorry i havent updated in a while. turns out my computer is totally fried and were gonna have to get a new one. im at my cousins again, probably sleeping over. pretty soon were going to bachelors grove cememtary which is supposedly the most haunted cemetary in chicagoland.. woot. also were going to chilis. i have a bad reputaion there. one time we didnt have enough money for the tip and we left a note on a napkin that said: "tip: remeber to wipe after using the bathroom and wash your hands." woot. lol it was funny but the second time we tried to go in there they wouldnt let us in. grr.
well im gonna go cuz this is boring.
later |
|
|
| blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! |
[Aug. 9th, 2004|04:41 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | chipper rocks | ] |
| [ | music |
| | idk | ] |
so yesterday i found out maris (jasons exgirlfriend) has pink in her hair... so im gonna change mine to blue or yellow, hehe. its only a little bit at the tips and it didnt show up vibrantly but you can still see it and it looks cool. but i dont want to change it, but then agian, i dont want to have the same kind of hair as someone else.
originally my hair wasnt supposed to be black anyways, my mom just didnt tell me when to take it out and got to be verrry dark. anyways theres this whole thing where she thinks im copying her because of the hair and the purse my cousin got me. which im probably going to get rid of and get a dickies one. but i like my volcom stone pursey. hehe. also she thinks i have same shoes as her.. hello, she has those black chucks with that pink...stripe...thing... and i have red ones. me and lauren switched for a little while... shes got my reds and i have her blacks. but anyways im at michaelas house because my computer is FUCKED OVER and were getting a new one.
g2g.
ta-ta |
|
|
| mahah |
[Aug. 7th, 2004|09:35 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  anxious | ] |
| [ | music |
| | none, blah blah blah. | ] |
i havent updated in a few days. again, im at my cousins house. im dying my hair again.. lol, im putting fuscia in, like the tips. it looks cool.. my cousin shannon helped me. just cuz shes good at dying hair. so jasons been staying at my house till unearthly hours of the night lately... its been pretty fun. last night was creepy though, when we were up by wiesbrook we kept hearing this odd sound, like a weedwacker. it would get loud then get quiet and then turn off. and one of the times it turned off i saw this little bouncing light in the woods which scared the fuck out of me, but we left after that. then we sat in my moms car for an hour and a half or so, then we got out and about a half hour later he called paula and left. that was around 1, the first night he rode his bike over and left at about 2:30ish. so its been a long while since i had a cigarette... i quit for jay. i dont regret it and theres not been a time really since i wish i had one. i guess i wasnt fully enough addicted to say that i "quit". lol im wearing a white shirt and the dye is staining it, it looks like someone stabbed me all over my back, its funny. well ill be leaving in a little while so i guess ill go sit around and wait for timer to go off till i can wash the dye out. i wanna wash it out now!!!
ta-ta
*emily |
|
|
| w00sha |
[Aug. 3rd, 2004|02:48 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | d000d | ] |
| [ | music |
| | nunnnn | ] |
im still at mikes house. weve been driving around since like 11 doing god knows what, i dont remember. his friend doreen is here, shes dying her hair blue-black. the color on the box looks really cool and i was gonna use the rest of the dye but idk if its a good idea since the meeting with the cop is tomorrow night. i regret getting arrested. yea doreen is pretty cool. perhaps i should refer to her as tennya because thats what she likes to be called. did more color updates, idk how it looks or if i like it. i wish i had a payed account, so much more funkay ass fun stuff. when i was looking for change in mikes car when he was in gamestop this chick in the front seat of the car two spaces down kept staring at me, so i mouthed out bitch and she opened her mouth like "oh my god" and then looked away. i was like haha ya, thats right beeyotch. idk what to talk about so i guess ill update more later.
ta-ta
*emmils |
|
|
| yet another update |
[Aug. 3rd, 2004|08:38 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | missing sleep | ] |
| [ | music |
| | prozac-www.nevergetoveryou | ] |
so here i am... still at my cousins. little thing i forgot to mention. the other nite jacob comes over to my house at like 2 am. im still awake bc jared called and he was all suicidal bc i wouldnt get back w/ him.. but anyways. he im sitting in my room just getting off the fone, about to turn off the light and little things start hitting my window. first i think its jason but then im like no, hes sleeping. so i go downstairs and open the front door to see what it is, and low and behold, theres jacob staring at my window. i asked him what the fuck he was doing there and hes like i need to talk to you... so i put my jeans on and im like ok, lets walk. we walk around my block then up by wiesbrook and i lean back up against little bike rack things and hes leaning over me with his arms on the rail. and he keeps saying shit like, i love you, i need to be with you now. and im like yea, ok.. and hes like, this isnt a joke emily. so i go under his legs because he was kinda freaking me out and im like, jacob you know i have a boyfriend.. and i dont have feelings for you like i used to before i started liking jason. you're just a good friend...
and he looks at me and hes like, well why? jason cheated on you and last time we talked about this you said you thought he was still doing it, but you were too afraid of him getting mad to mention it. and im like, that was a while ago, and me and him are getting along better. youre one of my best friends but jason is my boyfriend and im NOT going to cheat on him or dump him for you. so he just stares at me for a minute, then his eyes are all watery. i gave him a hug and said im going back to my house, i have to sleep. so hes like, okay ill walk you back there.
when we get to my house he hugs me and says, i wont bother you about this anymore. i made him promise then i go in my house and i hear him get in his shitty ass Tempo car and drive off. hey hes only 16.. he cant afford good car shit, lol.
but anyways lots of drama.
and last night someone sent me jasons "xanga site" which said a ton of shit about how he supposedly dumped me for maris. i called him and had a long talk with him about it and he explained to me that no one knew his username but him and he wasnt even on xanga anyway... it took him a while to convince me but im feeling better about it and im letting it go, just like how he likes krista and she likes him.
anyways i have to go. ta-ta...
*emily |
|
|
| hey, its me, updating my journal at midnight |
[Aug. 3rd, 2004|12:32 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | blah | ] |
| [ | music |
| | holding out for a hero, shrek 2 soundtrack hell yea baby | ] |
so here i am at mikes house. (my cousin.) its about 12:30 am. kinda bored. but his internets working so im using it. jasons pissing me off because we were in an argument about his drinking. he fucking calls my cousins house at 11 at night. of course, nana gave him the number. me, shannon and mike spent a while bitching about her which was fun. it always is. its good to let off steam to people who understand you.
so i tell jason that his drinking is unacceptable because were fucking 14 year olds. and hes all like, well yea but im gonna look back on this and say, god damn that was fun. and im just like whatever, make stupid decisions. whos to say you wont get hurt? then he goes on about, "well were gonna stay on the property" and im like, i dont care. what happens if you guys start messing around with your sword, and your sais? and hes all, blah blah blah, i have enough control. ive seen drunks, okay, i have a longass fuckin list of alcoholics in my family. including my mom. thats another thing my cousins and me bitched about, is their dad and my mom are both alcoholics and have had serious problems in the past when it came to their drinking. but whateva. ive made the choice to stay away from drugs and alcohol. i care about my body. i only get one, i want to take care of it.
anyways im gonna go fuck around on the internet, ill write more later tonight. or... this morning.. whichever. ta-ta
*emily |
|
|
| navigation |
| [ |
viewing |
| |
most recent entries |
] |
| [ |
go |
| |
earlier |
] |
| |
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif?v=88.8){kind=small}
crazychickie099's journal